"How to maintain sexual purity in your marriage."October 16, 2009 by Mike Strawbridge
Sex is the most powerful force in the universe
During the past few weeks we have been talking about sexual purity. I think it will be helpful today to cover the importance of sex in our lives and our relationships.
Today I am going to be addressing the married couples in class. For the rest of you, you will have to follow Napoleon Hill’s advice and convert your sexual energy into other creative outlets like making money or promoting world peace. He suggested that the reason men under forty rarely make a lot of money is that the expend all their energy in the pursuit of sex. After the age of forty, they more often settle down and "transmute" their sexual energy into the energy need to achieve their goals.
One of Steven Covey’s seven habits is the habit of valuing the differences in people. I can think of no other instance where this habit is more important than in a marriage.
In case you have not noticed, men are different from women. Women look, act and think differently from men. While men tend to be more objective in their thoughts, women tend to be more subjective. Women often are better at considering the big picture in making a decision while men tend to be focused on the current situation.
Men are problem solvers while women tend to be more supportive in their roles.
Despite the attempts in modern culture to try to erase the differences between men and women, the differences are very real and should be valued. There is no reason that men and women can’t be equal but different.
Once, I was at a conference and on a break I happened by a group of professional women discussing life in the work place. They were fussing about how they should be treated equal to men and how they could do everything a man could do etc. When the leader of the group noticed me, she asked me my opinion as a man on the matter. She asked me : "Are women truly equal to men in the workplace?" Knowing I was being baited in to what she thought was a no win situation, I first looked her in the eye then I looked her up and down noticing how she was dressed. I then quoted from Steven Covey one of the subjects of the conference earlier and said: "Personally, I value the differences." Suddenly, her whole attitude shifted and she offered to buy me a drink.
So let's talk about sex. Men and women do think differently about sex. To begin with, there is a difference in how frequently men and women think about sex. However,
I have done some research this week into the difference between how often men and women think about sex. The statistic that Don quoted is marked by Snopes.com as a false rumor. The only actual scientific study info I could find was by the Kinsey institute that said 54% of men think about sex at least once a day while on 19% of women think about sex at least once per day. Other studies suggest that men think about sex more when they are not actually having sex and women think about sex more when they are having sex. This difference seems to account for the difference in frequency noted in the study.
Also, like former president Clinton, there is often a difference in how men and women define sex or a sexual thought. While a man may look at an attractive women and instantly consider that a sexual thought, a woman viewing an attractive man might in her mind think that first she would have to meet him and see if he qualifies before she would actually consider him a sexual partner and therefore not consider seeing the attractive man a sexual thought because she might not qualify him after she met him.
In a British study done last year where certain physical responses that are under subconscious control – like pupil dilation - were measured, the response of men and women were almost the same in their frequency of sexual responses.
So the main difference may be that women lie on surveys.
Lets take a look at the bible
27 So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
We see here that God created both male and female. Therefore either God has a great sense of humor or he wanted us to appreciate the differences in one another.
The most vivid example of not only appreciating the difference between men and women is sexual intercourse. The bible often uses the image of two becoming one.
We all know the story of Adam and Eve and how they lost their oneness with God when they chose to separate from him by choosing the fruit of good and evil. The quest for wholeness has become man’s struggle all through life.
I think God created sexual unity as a metaphor of how we can regain that unity. Sexual rituals have been used in many pagan worship practices and I think it is because of this built in urge to find spiritual oneness that promotes this feeling.
Lets look at the importance of sex in the bible:
Deuteronomy 24:5 (New International Version)
5 If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.
The myth that women don’t like sex as much as men is relatively recent idea. I think is has mostly been promoted in the media as a way to create new markets for products. When I talk to older men about how to deal with women, they all seem to be under the assumption that women love attention from men and will do any thing to get it. This modern idea that men must dress a certain way, buy a certain car, wear a certain cologne in order to attract the attention of women seems silly to men who grew up before WWII.
And if you ever want proof that a woman will do absolutely anything for a man she is attracted to, just look at the girls who ride on the backs of motorcycles. I can’t imagine a more uncomfortable place to sit and they don’t get to drive or even see where they are going.
I am going to suggest a novel approach to sexual purity to you today. I have noticed that one of the biggest causes of people who seek extra marital sex is that they are not happy with their current relationship. So the simple solution to this problem is - Enjoy sex with your spouse.
Lets again see what the bible says about it:
Proverbs 5:18-19 (New International Version)
18 May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
This verse implies that we have a duty to continue to be attractive to one another even after we are married. There are many studies that seem to indicate that women will cease to act seductive toward men once they are in a committed relationship. However, my own observations have shown another factor that may be hidden to the researchers.
As part of my study of marketing, I have done extensive research onto the area of attraction. If women really do loose the desire to seduce men after they are in a committed relationship, then the fault lies squarely on the men. Most men it seems, the instant that they feel comfortable around a woman they change their behavior and stop doing all the things that attracted their wives to start with.
And once attraction is lost, it is very hard to recover.
Going back to the differences in men an women, for women, the only thing that will cause a women to be sexually stimulated is attraction. You can’t logically debate her or plead or coerce or buy a woman’s stimulation, you can only attract it.
I really can’t go into detail about what a man must do to be attractive to a woman in a mixed class because the girls here would deny it.
But I will cover some basics.
Men need to be men, Manly men. Nothing kills attraction to women quicker than a whiney, wussy guy struggling to get her attention. Be a man, do manly things and ignore her a little bit and see what happens.
Women are attracted to the alpha male. The man who shows dominance and strength. She is attracted to adventure, mystery and emotional power.
And girls, it is your job to help your man be more attractive. If he does something that makes you appreciate his manliness, point it out to him.
But you can’t be subtle about it. Guys don’t speak the same language as girls. You may think you have told him but if he did not understand your hints then you have not communicated it to him.
I think you girls already know exactly how to be attractive to men, you just have to be motivated to show it.
And finally let us look at what Paul had to say about Sex:
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (New International Version)
3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Basically, Paul is saying that if you are having great sex at home , you won’t have to go elsewhere looking for it.
Again, this means that men and women have the spiritual duty to remain attractive to one another.
Another myth that is promoted in our modern society is that somehow pretty girls are supposed to be better at sex than ordinary girls. I know several guys who will tell you the exact opposite is true.
The attractiveness of a women to men is often her value as a conquest rather than her sexual skills. Therefore girls, one of your best tools for keeping your man attracted to you is to remind him how much fun you are to be with.
As Mae West once said: "I’m no model, a model is just an imitation of the real thing."
Having sex is one of the greatest ways to maintain health. It helps you relax, it helps you focus on living in the present moment. If you are thinking about anything else besides your partner while having sex, you are doing it wrong.
Sex also helps to clear your mind. And sexual union can be a great time of spiritual unity.
In summary, God created the sexual differences between men and women so that they could better enjoy each other and to help each other deal with the problems and frustrations of life. Sexual union is a metaphor of finding unity with God. And, by having great sex in the proper relationships, our lives are made healthier, less stressful, happier and generally more pleasing to God.
Focusing your sexual energy on your partner and will greatly reduce any desires to seek sexual experience outside your marriage. Enjoying an abundance of sexual experience with your partner will also eliminate any thoughts of sexual scarcity that you may wish to satisfy outside of your marriage.
Mike Strawbridge October 16, 2009